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Jul. 10th, 2023 01:44 pmmy leep was on friday. i keep wanting to say "leep procedure" but the p stands for procedure. n and husbands let me stay at their house in the big bedroom with the door shut, because i wasn't allowed to sleep with a cat in the bed and if i tried to sleep at home with my cats locked out of my bedroom, they would be stressed and bang on the door all night.
i was scared, mostly of the anesthesia. it seems execessive that they needed to put me all the way under when they weren't even cutting me open. anesthesia is so strange. i laid there, prepped and cleaned, lightened a bit by what one of the anesthesiologists called "'happy to be here' meds." they told me they were going to take me to the operating room; i closed my eyes, opened them, then there was a man standing next to me who told me "you're all done." i really wanted to talk to him about how dumbo was the best and most underrated disney movie, about how they intentionally or unintentionally snuck a racism allegory into it; about how i read on the internet years ago that african elephants have bigger ears than indian elephants so the whole thing was that he was an african elephant.
they brought n back. she had a banana and an energy drink for me. swallowing was a gritty ordeal. my mouth was really dry and raw, i guess from having the tube down my throat. i had a huge pad and they gave me some gauzy panties to hold it in place, but nothing much escaped.
my gyno mentioned that she tries to be more gentle on the cervix with patients who plan to be pregnant someday, but i said "no, tear it up." after, she told n she was confident that she got all the abnormal tissue. it was 2-3ish when they finished. i slept till 7 when we got back to n's and woke up feeling fine. they have these patches now they put on your neck to mitigate the effects of anesthesia. when i had my wisdom teeth out 10+ years ago, i was loopy for the rest of the day, drifitng in and out of sleep and remembering over and over that i was already done with surgery.
the next day we went to a cat adoption event because s is ready for a new baby after the recent passing of his two darlings.
i laugh to myself whenever i think about the fact that i haven't heard from chris during any of this. i don't think we've spoken at all since the succession finale. it still astonishes me how someone can be so uninterested in someone they claim to want to date. my therapist said i should have a conversation with him about the whole speaking-over-and-ignoring-me thing, but i can't bring myself to do it. i'm willing to communicate my needs, i'm not willing to repeatedly tell someone "i need you to seem even vaguely interested in what i have to say even in a crowd of people." the most insecure part of me tells me he was just hoping to get closer to n. and i know the most insecure part of me isn't the part i should listen to, but it feels safer to me to just let this fizzle out. i never would have thought i'd end up feeling this way again when he was the one who pursued me.
my pupils were dilated and different sizes on saturday night. i've been a bit concerned about that. there is shockingly little information—whether it was given to me after the procedure or online someone—about it. my gyno office was empty sunday (i don't know why she says to me "just call me") and the er couldn't tell me anything on the phone and i wasn't about to rack up $700-800 on a potentially pointless er visit. so i'm just going to assume it's fine unless they say otherwise in my mychart messages.
i was scared, mostly of the anesthesia. it seems execessive that they needed to put me all the way under when they weren't even cutting me open. anesthesia is so strange. i laid there, prepped and cleaned, lightened a bit by what one of the anesthesiologists called "'happy to be here' meds." they told me they were going to take me to the operating room; i closed my eyes, opened them, then there was a man standing next to me who told me "you're all done." i really wanted to talk to him about how dumbo was the best and most underrated disney movie, about how they intentionally or unintentionally snuck a racism allegory into it; about how i read on the internet years ago that african elephants have bigger ears than indian elephants so the whole thing was that he was an african elephant.
they brought n back. she had a banana and an energy drink for me. swallowing was a gritty ordeal. my mouth was really dry and raw, i guess from having the tube down my throat. i had a huge pad and they gave me some gauzy panties to hold it in place, but nothing much escaped.
my gyno mentioned that she tries to be more gentle on the cervix with patients who plan to be pregnant someday, but i said "no, tear it up." after, she told n she was confident that she got all the abnormal tissue. it was 2-3ish when they finished. i slept till 7 when we got back to n's and woke up feeling fine. they have these patches now they put on your neck to mitigate the effects of anesthesia. when i had my wisdom teeth out 10+ years ago, i was loopy for the rest of the day, drifitng in and out of sleep and remembering over and over that i was already done with surgery.
the next day we went to a cat adoption event because s is ready for a new baby after the recent passing of his two darlings.
i laugh to myself whenever i think about the fact that i haven't heard from chris during any of this. i don't think we've spoken at all since the succession finale. it still astonishes me how someone can be so uninterested in someone they claim to want to date. my therapist said i should have a conversation with him about the whole speaking-over-and-ignoring-me thing, but i can't bring myself to do it. i'm willing to communicate my needs, i'm not willing to repeatedly tell someone "i need you to seem even vaguely interested in what i have to say even in a crowd of people." the most insecure part of me tells me he was just hoping to get closer to n. and i know the most insecure part of me isn't the part i should listen to, but it feels safer to me to just let this fizzle out. i never would have thought i'd end up feeling this way again when he was the one who pursued me.
my pupils were dilated and different sizes on saturday night. i've been a bit concerned about that. there is shockingly little information—whether it was given to me after the procedure or online someone—about it. my gyno office was empty sunday (i don't know why she says to me "just call me") and the er couldn't tell me anything on the phone and i wasn't about to rack up $700-800 on a potentially pointless er visit. so i'm just going to assume it's fine unless they say otherwise in my mychart messages.
